3/10/23
"you know, sometimes i wonder if things couldve ever really been this way."
you look up from the newspaper. your face is bright. your face is beautiful.
"like what?"
"i dont know, just, happy maybe. maybe that word is too vague. maybe i just wanted to see you again. anywhere. any way."
"you cant always have what you want." you say, once again hiding your face behind the newspaper.
the words on it are unintelligible.
"you've ruined me. undoubtedly, you've ruined my life forever."
"and you love me?"
"i love you."
there was a long silence. i heard you breathing.
"ive tried to stop. you know just, wanting you, but i realize that i dont want anything else. all the
people in the world could love me and i wouldnt want it because its just not you."
"what is it about me?"
...
"i dont know. its just because....you're you. theres no one else who has eyes
quite like yours. there are stories in them. and in your fingertips."
the dim golden light from the window shined onto you, as if you were under a spotlight. the room is
small and warm and comfortable. there are no doors. there is not a way out.
"you've done this to yourself." you say, maintaining that same tone. serious, but comforting.
maybe its just comforting because its your voice.
"i know i know, i know how deep this hole is. i know how far ive dug myself down into it but im halfway up.
when you left me down there i had to climb up to try and reach you."
"i know. i know you're trying." you say softly. you look at me and your eyes are bright.
i can see the gold in them.
"i forgive you, you know."
....
"no you dont."
the soft and hopeful expression on your face quickly turned to sadness, and guilt.
"and yes i know, you want to, and maybe you've even convinced yourself that you really do,
but deep down i know you really dont. and its my fault. and im sorry."
"you couldnt help it. you were hurt."
"yes but i wanted to help it- you know? i just wish i did, and that i couldve,
because we wouldnt have to be here right now."
"yes, but we are meant to be here now. this was supposed to happen."
"...but why? i mean- i know why, which is why its so stupid for me to ask that. it was because i needed
to help myself. but why did you have to stop talking to me? why couldnt you have been there?"
your face was stoic and i could feel your eyes in my bones. your face is still beautiful.
"i needed to help myself too. havent you thought of that?"
"...yes. yes i have. i know that i hurt you. i know that you resent me for that. but i never was able to
give you a formal apology- dont you want that? that closure? that hope?"
"i dont need you anymore."
"i dont need you either. but i want you. i want you to know that i can be better. and that im here and im here for you."
"i dont want you to be here for me."
i suddenly felt myself filling up with powerful emotion- rage, sorrow, hopelessness, pain. i felt tears
begin to grow in my eyes and sprout like plants down my face, their roots growing and dying indefinitely.
"i do!" i cried out.
"i want you to want me! i want to be able to love you without feeling guilt for it! damn you!"
through blurred vision i saw your eyes go empty, and you just stared. you stared at me with no feeling at all.
"i hate you! you've been nothing but unsympathetic and cruel to me!"
"then why do you love me?"
....
i couldnt speak.
"why do you love me?" you said again, more desparate than the last.
the room was silent for a long time.
"i love you...."
i tried to catch my breath, stammering through the tears.
"i love you...because i want things to be okay. i love you because i have hope that we can talk again.
i love you because i know you can be better and i can be better with you. i love you because i love the idea of you and
what you could be. i love your potential. and i love everything you do. i love your face. your mannerisms. you could tell me
anything and i'd be yours in an instant. you make me never want to love anything else ever again."
the world continued around us, clouds, the sun, the trees, the ever so soft singing of birds in the distance.
they told stories, and the leaves danced as they listened.
the walls of the room settled, crackling and creaking as they did, and the room had the ever so faint scent of mildew in the air.
i felt small, and vulnerable. i feared for the moment you would speak again. i knew that it was something i would not like to hear.
"you've made it this far without me, you will be able to continue."
"i know that im able to. but i dont want to."
"i know."
"i love you. my sweet, sweet darling i love you more than i could ever love anything."
"i know you do sweet boy. i know."
then the room went dark, and i heard your breath for the last time. the wind was quiet and i couldnt help but feel uneasy.
the house was gone, and you were gone.
i was alone in the darkness,
again.